I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
