we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My hand turned me down
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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