I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She is in my trunk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
