Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
