I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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