Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
