@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
