You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
