Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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