the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
