Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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