happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
