There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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