Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize