yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
