My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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