the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
