Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
