I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
