Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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