They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
pop tarts are not kleenex
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
