so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
