a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
