I haven't been this sober since birth.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
