Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
