This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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