I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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