now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
