Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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