When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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