Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
