ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize