Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
