I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
