I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize