i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
