My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
