I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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