I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
