i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
