so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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