hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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