I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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