I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
