Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i think my cat just said my name.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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