If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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