I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
