Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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