The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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