he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
