I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
