I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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