My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
