You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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