I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I am one with the molecules
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
