I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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