last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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