So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
