Where did you get a picture of my penis
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
