The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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