she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
