I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
