he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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